I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
