You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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