you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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