I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
