May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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