I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
