The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
