Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
