if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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