dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
false alarm. still invincible.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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