At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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