Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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