Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
