I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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