we have officially mastered the walk of shame
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What a dumb baby whore.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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