made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
