Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
