Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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