I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
