I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back