I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
