He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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