I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
