So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
