I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
