I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
