he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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