I cannot find my penis.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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