So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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