I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
