On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
