Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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