I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
