is your mom at the bar?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
