Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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