I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
