you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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