Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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