I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
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at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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