Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
