I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
