Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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