did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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