i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
