She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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