Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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