i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
