Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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