I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
