put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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