I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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