Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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