wat bout pragnant strippers??
my phone needs a breathalizer
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
