Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
