Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
