btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
