So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
