The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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