My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
