Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
