I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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